In retrospect, I suppose you have to give a kid at least a little slack when his parents are Christopher Walken and Mia Farrow. We’ve had some awful protagonists in the past year — Hugh Jackman in Real Steel, Taylor Kitsch in Battleship, Taylor Kitsch in Savages, Taylor Kitsch in John Carter. But we’re supposed to figure out these guys are actually hidden gems. I can excavate until doomsday and still not dig up the bright side of Taylor, but that’s beside the point. Dark Horse has gone the opposite route – here’s a jackass. He’s always a jackass. He’s always gonna be a jackass. Identify at your own peril.
Abe (Jordan Gelber) is in his forties. He lives in his parent’s house and works for his father. To imagine Abe as a character, I’d say start with John C. Reilly. Then take him at his worst – his idiocy in Step Brothers mixed with his desperation in Cyrus. Then add 40 pounds, recede the hairline, the height, the sense of humor and gratitude and add an ugly entitlement streak. Abe is the kind of employee who comes to his father’s coat-and-tie office late while wearing sweats and a t-shirt 
saying, “SUCK IT TREBEK.” He spends company time on eBay pricing Thundercats figurines. Then he spends more company time returning non-mint condition dolls to Toys-R-Us.
Encouraged by the woman’s prolific lethargy, Abe decides to make his move on Miranda (Selma Blair). To give you some idea of Abe in context, Miranda also lives at home with her parents and is an antisocial, introverted, pill-popping addict with hepatitis B. And she’s waaaaay too good for him. Within 15 minutes of Miranda allowing Abe in the door, he proposes to her. What do you say to taking chances?
Dark Horse violates my primary rule for any film – you have to like and/or identify with the protagonist, but the violation is so violent and callous, you take notice. Do you want to call Dark Horse the worst film you’ve ever seen? I won’t stop you. The plot ain’t much. The protagonist is the kind of guy you want to punch until he stops talking; the parents are caricatures and the girlfriend is a basket case. I haven’t even mentioned Miranda’s ex, Mahmoud (Aasif Mandvi). Always nice to see the Daily Show gang find quality roles. In the right mood, you might find this a more palatable Todd Solondz effort. To be fair, however, if you’re seeking a Todd Solondz film, palatability is likely the last criteria in your search.
Meet Dark Horse Abe; he ain’t no grad
Spends 24/7 with Walken dad
Fighting with clerks makes him glad
No conclusion I offer aside from “sad.”
Not Rated, 85 Minutes
D: Todd Solondz
W: Todd Solondz
Genre: The Soul of a Douchebag
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Parents of morons
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who like rooting for the protagonist
