Not so long ago, peppered among an endless series of shot-’em-ups, Gerard Butler was in a bunch of crappy romcoms where a much prettier person would eventually decide that he was good enough for her. I suppose this is the next logical step – a crappy shoot-’em-up in which marital non-bliss has led to trial separation interrupted by a kidnapping. The next step, of course, will be a series of crappy #MeToo shoot-’em-ups starring middle-aged women which will eventually yield to a series of crappy septuagenarian romcom shoot-’em-ups before Butler dies. Ah, the cycle repeats.
For now, we’re solidly in Phase II. The honeymoon is over; the woman, in this case Jaimie Alexander, has decided her life is worth more than confessing “the Butler did it” and has asked to move in with her parents for a while. Last Seen Alive opens with an uncomfortable car ride shared by Will (Butler) and Lisa (Alexander). Just a few miles shy of their destination, the two have an angry fight (as separating couples tend to have – fantastic way to open a film, btw; what’s better on screen than watching a couple go from passive aggression to actively arguing?) In order to cool off, Will stops for gas while Lisa takes advantage of the minimart.
And then Lisa disappears.
I do love in films how the protagonist can go from 0 to raging panic in 3.2 seconds and make it seem realistic. Acting! I suppose I know a few who do that. Maybe they should be actors, too. Me? I’d be annoyed long, long, long before I got to panic. Perhaps that’s just me. Will knows something ain’t right; shame that instinct didn’t kick in before he stopped for gas he didn’t need. Well, bigger shame is perpetuating the
idea of how vulnerable we are at all times. This has now become exactly a film for people who angst over things they imagine rather than things that are genuine threats.
Oh, hey, MAGA; I found a film for you. Yeah, you’ll love it. Everybody you think is a bad guy IS a bad guy and this whole thing is started because a woman defies her husband, but he battles death to get her back anyway because that’s exactly who you think you are, right?
I can’t say I’ve ever been a fan of Gerard Butler or his movies. Part of this is not his fault; when you breakthrough with a film in which you play a badass commander with abs chiseled by Spartan masters, people have certain expectations for your career. So when your encore is a series doughy, failed romcoms highlighted by gunplay, we might get a tad disappointed. I enjoyed Copshop and it gave me reason again to choose Butler over similar Butler-less projects. Last Seen Alive didn’t tilt the needle either way. I wouldn’t recommend it, but I didn’t loathe it, either. This film clearly has use as a MAGA appeaser, which normally wouldn’t be much of a recommendation but now I say if harmless distractions like this can appease those assholes and keep them from destroying American democracy, so be it.
There once was a husband named Will
Whose marriage had lost all its thrill
So they stopped for some gas
A jerk grabs Lisa’s ass
And suddenly we’re in 300-ville
Rated R, 95 Minutes
Director: Brian Goodman
Writer: Marc Frydman
Genre: Marital blues be damned!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Middle-aged alpha wannabes
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Drug dealers?
