Some producers just don’t have the stones to make an honest movie.
I’m gonna describe one scene, and you’re gonna tell me if this is the film you need to see. Jason Statham (you know, this is the kind of movie where Jason Statham plays Jason Statham, Robert DeNiro plays Robert DeNiro and Clive Owen plays Clive Owen with a glass eye and a porn moustache, so I’m just gonna call ’em Jason, Robert and Clive, Ok?)… where was I? Oh yeah, Jason is your standard repentant-assassin-who-got-out, the male movie version of hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold. He gets dragged back because Middle East baddies stole Robert in order for a job to go down. Jason doesn’t want to kill anymore, but his best bud is in trouble, whatchagonnado? The assassinations all have to “look like accidents,” so Jason and team Jason go to great lengths to construct a mini Thor hammer out of victim #1’s bathroom tile (hence, the blow to the back of the neck will look like a bathroom accident, see?). And when it comes time for the big whack, Jason just can’t do it in cold blood. Aww. Then his phone rings and while he’s on it, commotion, violence, “thunk” and he emerges to see blood and #1 down with his partner relatively unhurt.
Pussies. I wish I had a better word for it. Pussies. You showed Jason’s crisis of faith, fine. You told us he wanted out, fine. You put him back in, fine. But don’t you dare let him get off that easy. Either kill in cold blood or don’t; give us a reason to explore his character. The guy dies while he’s on the phone? Pussies.
Killer Elite wants to make bold statements about assassins and the lives of assassins, but when it comes right down to it, the most objectionable thing you’ll find about the big three here is Clive’s porn ‘stache. We even get Bobby to kill a guard without any changes to his very civil kidnapping. C’mon. No forced torture? No fingernail removal for fun? He gets a cot and a view?
Ok, so what if I don’t give a crap about the mental side of assassins? Is there any good stuff? What’s in it for me? Not much, frankly. The intrigue is minimal. I couldn’t remember the 2nd assassination as quickly as 30 minutes following. Forgettable action scenes bar one. Jason Statham fights his way out of a warehouse while tied to a chair. Now this is why we like Jason Statham. The chair scene goes a long way. Long enough to recommend? No. But a long way.
Rated R, 105 Minutes
D: Gary McKendry
W: Matt Sherring
Genre: Length of penis contest
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Assassination fans.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Don’t you just hate gunplay?
