Like Pinocchio before it, the story of Peter Pan has outgrown its use. Yes, yes, boys are constantly in an arrested state of development, WE GET IT. This insight is hardly new nor magical and in the 21st Century, it seems highly outdated. You know, some of us do not actually wish to be Lost Boys or constantly go on pre-pubescent adventures involving swords and pirates. That’s just not a useful fantasy for people who see pirating in the form of Captain Phillips long before we see it in Captain Hook.
This especially lifeless and tiresome version of the tale follows a Peter (Alexander Molony) almost completely without charm or motive. This is probably why the film added Peter Pan *AMPERSAND* Wendy for good measure. Wendy (Ever Anderson) is not only too old for the standard Wendy role, she also knows the tale already as if the J.M. Barrie works have been historical accounts rather than works of fiction.
Peter shows up anyway, of course, destroys a normal English household and kidnaps the kids to Neverland with the dream of flying. This novelty is exciting for all of thirty seconds until they arrive in Neverland Bay and are immediately –and I’m not kidding here- shot at.
Wait. I know what this is: a land where strangers who come are shot upon arrival? Yes, I know this place. I call it “The Bible Belt.” Wait. Wait. That’s not fair. Immediately taking a gun to all things new is 
a symptom of all avid followers of RW media, not just those who conflate Jesus with xenophobia.
Thirty seconds later, Wendy needs CPR and the younger boys have been stolen by the evil Captain Hook (Jude Law). Well, gosh, what a fantasy this is! I’ve already been kidnapped, shot, and captured. I could have been safe and asleep.
One of the big problems with Peter Pan & Wendy is tone. First, the film cannot decide whether it’s a comic tale with comic violence (as suggested by grown men losing sword fights to boys wearing pajamas and the same potentially being afraid of a teddy bear) or one with consequences and death – which both happen. I was especially put off by a resolution of “Huzzah for Peter Pan! Come back any time!” Nary a one of you was actually sore about your experience, what with Captain Hook’s decree to kill all the captives and then attempting to execute it? No, of course not! Good times!
I will give Peter Pan & Wendy the small blessing of expanding the relationship between Pan and Hook. The bad blood had to come from somewhere, didn’t it? Even so, the resolution is terribly unsatisfying. Ok, so this film is not for me? Will your kids like it? Hmmm, I dunno. Will they like the part where children are captured and almost murdered by adults or the part where Peter literally dies? Maybe they’ll like Tinker Bell (Yara Shahidi). Somehow I doubt it.
Yet another iteration of Peter
Didn’t turn out any neater
His manner, reprehend
To what should be his friend
The very moment he first tries to meet her
Rated PG, 106 Minutes
Director: David Lowery
Writer: David Lowery, Toby Halbrooks
Genre: Tired remakes
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Are there still Peter Pan fans out there?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who found this unnecessary
