For those who believe in Hell, I believe there’s a special place there for people who market Christian propaganda as art. I know I’ve been here before, but Christianity needs no help. There is no fear of it dying off anytime soon. There is no fear of Christianity failing to be a dominant force in Western culture. No matter how much bad art is made, no matter how many rape victims are forced to give birth, no matter children are molested by Catholic priests, Christianity will still be around tomorrow and next year and 100 years from now.
Movies exemplifying the mythology of Christianity don’t really help anyone. One such example is today’s film, Guadalupe: Madre de la Humanidad in which a 16th century peasant has a vision of Mother Mary, and, therefore, the eradication of Aztec culture is completely justified.
According to the myth, pre-Mexico Mexican and native North American Juan Diego –I’m 100% sure that wasn’t the name he was born with- went for a hike at the hill of Temeryac and was visited by the Virgin Mary (aka “Our Lady of Guadalupe”, aka “Mary, Mary, Why Ya Buggin’ “, aka “Scarface”). Her message: “Build my church here … and make sure the church is never held truly accountable for any of the misdeeds that will follow … I’m talkin’ Inquisition, Indulgences, priest molestations, and all that Handmaid Tale crap. None of it.”
Hey, you can make up stuff? I can make up stuff, too … except for the part where my stuff is real.
Seriously, even within the context of this film, I’m not really aware of the miracle that occurred. Poor farmer says he saw Mary. OK. Great. Proof? None, but she keeps showing up to him. Ummm, ok, so what’s the big message Mary has for us? The details are fuzzy on that part … but I’m sure it’s really important, cuz why else would she be there weaering blue.
And Mary must have left her magic blue shroud behind cuz the film made a big deal out of the image of Guadalupe in blue, even pointing out that the fibers and paints were not native to the area. Well, gee, there’s such an intense scientific exploration in the rest of the film, I guess I’ll have to accept how miraculous this visitation was, all thirty seconds of it.
Most of this film is an actress pretending she’s a museum curator going over a whitewashed version of history where the Spaniards “brought life” to the new world. I know that history is frustrating, especially to the “anti-woke” crowd who want to believe they’re always on the side of the right, the righteous, the might, and the mighteous. But, look, when you get to the part where Christopher Columbus and Hernán Cortés are unmitigated and uncompromised heroes, you’re not doing history right.
Eventually, the film worked its way to Los Angeles, that center of authenticity in all things especially religion. Yup, nothin’ fake about El Lay. The film devolves into “testimonials” in which Guadalupe is given credit for everything from saving lives to new coke. The film stopped short of giving the 
Virgin Mary credit for Dune 2, but it was well on its way.
Where Guadalupe: Madre de la Humanidad didn’t stop was insisting that the pregnant virgin necessarily infers that the Pro-Life movement is justified. Given that even within the most sacred of communities, the Pro-Life movement cares nothing for life after birth, it’s hard to see this moment or the film itself as anything other than propaganda … and towards what purpose? The non-believers aren’t going to be swayed here; there isn’t a single piece of legitimate evidence in the film … even the testimonials are hardly evidence of Guadalupe’s care. The recreations are barely watchable myths, let alone proof of God.
After all the film wasted on things that never happened and the people who need to believe them, I am left with one question … OK, suppose all of this is true. Suppose I take everything I saw on face value … hmmm … how shall I put this … I know: Who cares? Seriously. Who cares? Guadalupe appeared in my toaster. Fantastic. Who cares? The monster that is the Catholic Church is so far removed from a message of brotherhood and goodness and eternal love that the MCU origin story here is only uplifting to people who don’t need this movie to be uplifted. For everybody else, Guadalupe: Madre de la Humanidad is a complete waste of time. And, psst, here’s a secret: the movie is a complete waste of time anyway.
In Mexico, the Virgin Mary saw sinning
And started a church from the beginning
“Wow, she’s the best!”
“Let’s conquer the West”
And ignore the consequences of winning
Not Rated, 102 Minutes
Director: Andrés Garrigó, Pablo Moreno
Writer: Josepmaria Anglès, Andrés Garrigó, Josemaría Muñoz
Genre: Can’t we go a day without propaganda?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Catholics who go to church daily yet still don’t get enough church in their lives
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “You realize this is 100% propaganda … even if it’s not made up.”
