Oh, Sydney Sweeney is a virgin, is she? I see this film isn’t exactly a documentary. Well, we all enjoy our little fictions, don’t we?
As the title implies, Immaculate is the horror story of Mary II, not a ship, but the second virgin mother to divinity. And, much like the original birth of Christ, this, too, is a horror story. Of course, we didn’t figure out the first was a horror story at the time; it only turned out to be so 33 years later … and consistently ever since.
Sister Cecilia (Sweeney) is an American and has decided “nun of the above” with her career path. Why she has to go to Italy for her vows/service is not explained. Maybe there’s a nun-exchange program going on. Also not explained immediately (or immaculately) is why the future sister’s abbey of choice is so cloistered. I mean, what, really, is the point of a nunnery? No, I’m serious here, because I know this is a thing – what is the point of service to God if it never involves the community in any way? At that rate, what’s the difference between a nun and a hermit? Never mind.
Shortly after her vows, Sister Cecilia is invited to [checks notes] a priest-nun mixer. You heard me. I have no idea whether this is a thing or not, but such inspired this:
After the mixer and a scary dream or two, Sister Cecilia, virgin, becomes pregnant. Well, gosh, looks like the world might have another Jesus, right? So, why is this film a horror? Why isn’t Immaculate among the Godsquad genre? Well, I can’t give that part away, much as I want to. Suffice to say for the moment that when you’re surrounded by women who have married themselves to God and one -and only one- gets pregnant, well, jealousy may take place.
There are too many “why?”s in Immaculate for me to take it seriously, but I did enjoy a few quotes. The 
first was: “Satan often masquerades as an angel of the light.” Yeah, if you’re familiar with Truth Social, you know sometimes Satan doesn’t masquerade all that well. The second and more poignant one comes a religious figure late in the film, “if this is not the will of God, why does God not stop us?” This is, strangely, a question I’ve asked many times since 2016 only to conclude that if God does exist, God ain’t as benevolent as we imagine.
Back to the film – Immaculate is a bit scary, but mostly disturbing as horror films go. If you have a strong Christian belief system, I implore you NOT to see this film under any circumstances; I don’t expect it to shake your faith, but there’s nothing here you’ll enjoy. For the rest of us, well, Immaculate is better than most films that have nuns in them, but that’s a pretty low bar.
There was once a nun named Cecilia
Who had a virgin pregnancy reveal-ia
What’s with her new bod?
Is she the mother of God?
Perhaps the Almighty has Euphoria-philia
Rated R, 89 Minutes
Director: Michael Mohan
Writer: Andrew Lobel
Genre: The Horror of the Christ
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: I dunno, abused nuns, maybe?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Devout Christians
