What’s a little necromancy in a family film? And does the source really matter? I mean, if the humans can’t raise the dead, would you care if a mouse did it? Pffft. Humans, amiright?
Let me describe how we got here: This little piece of Greek mythology fan fiction takes place about 80 years after Jason collected the Golden Fleece – doesn’t the Golden Fleece sound like the ultimate con job? E.g. “Trump pulled the Golden Fleece in getting a throng of idiots to give him money for his legal troubles…” Iolcos still boasts Jason, but he’s 
currently a doddering old fool.
The citizens of Iolcos have erected a giant statue of Zeus holding a bitchin’ lightning bolt and when Poseidon sees that shit, he turns into a little bitch, coming down to Iolcos personally to blackmail the town with waves of destruction if they don’t give him a statue with a sufficiently cool trident. Meanwhile, there’s an ambitious young mouse, Pattie (voice of Kaycia Chase), who is determined to have an adventure and her self-appointed protector, Sam (Christophe Lemoine), is equally determined to stop that adventure.
When the Iolcos citizens are at a loss for where one can get a suitably cool trident, Pattie slips the humans a treasure map. When Jason is called upon to collect the trident off the map, that ancient mariner suddenly rimes he ain’t got no crew. Well, whom to the rescue but Pattie. The mouse raids a museum for zombie power to restore Jason’s crew … who are equally
worthless as Jason. But don’t worry, the mouse knows how to solve problems even if nobody knows she exists.
This is kind of how Epic Tails goes – there is a throng of superfluous men and gods who get screentime and credit, but all the labor is done by the small animals the people ignore. It’s a bit adorable and a bit eye-rolling at the same time. Speaking of adorable, Epic Tails saw fit to include the cutest monsters ever –why there’s a baby kraken who is a real baby … and giant evil robot programmed to play hopscotch …and cyclopes that look straight out of a play-doh factory … and will you look at that adorable hydra? Awwwww. I so want to be eaten by that. Even two giant scorpions have been effectively de-fanged – their stingers have been replaced by medicine balls which they use to punch out o
pponents. Oh, sure, we can raise the dead, but no poison here!
Epic Tails was originally a French film and one can tell because the voice synching is really off. Is it off enough to give the film a thumbs down? No. I’m going to give it a thumbs down because I find the material fairly empty. I think kids will be drawn to the animation, but I don’t think they’re taking anything away from the film besides adventure. Will your kids care about a small mouse that needs to prove herself? Maybe. Will your kids care about The Golden Fleece tale ignored here? Unlikely. Will they get into the wrath of the gods? Or Zeus’ wife making him “play nice” with humans? I don’t think they’ll care at all about the adult themes in the film. However, I cared that this film trotted out the “A-Team” theme for a montage sequence – and not just the seven-note kicker but the entire damn theme song. And it was enough for me to say, “Non.”
There once lived a Greek mouse named Pattie
Who came off as a little bit bratty
Cuz she wanted her way
To come save the day
And drove her protector entirely batty
Rated PG, 95 Minutes
Director: David Alaux
Writer: David Alaux, Eric Tosti, Jean-François Tosti
Genre: Cute mythology
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Your child who loves Greek myths, but thinks Jason is overrated?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “I don’t even like mythology in non-animated form”
