The redemption arc is flat. No movement. Not even a bump. Am I talking about the movie? No, I’m talking about the stars of the movie, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, both on Hollywood’s shit list. I’m not exactly sure how Martin Lawrence got on the list (except for all the shitty films he made); all I know is he has seen a decent script this century. Will Smith, we all know, needed a PR intervention following the Oscars slap of Chris Rock. These are two of the least employable actors in the game right now. Despite that, they’ve been given a gift … a feature length starring role. Now, keep in mind, the way Hollywood thinks, this could be the very LAST starring role in a major film either man ever gets. That’s an exaggeration, of course. Maybe true in the case of Lawrence, but Smith won an Oscar on the same night he bitchslapped Chris Rock. Would we forget? I dunno. Would we?
The point is that both men were given a gift here – they have been given a chance to win an audience back. Very few of these gifts are ever offered. Ask Kevin Spacey. Ask Mel Gibson. And what did these men do with this great gift? They made the same testosterone-filled turd-in-the-punchbowl picture as the last three Bad Boys films. Did it change in scope or script or outlook or in any way that would show these men deserve our attention? Not even a little. And to me this is a huge slap-in-the-face. How we feel about you matters, gentlemen; it’s the difference between being a star and a nobody and I feel like this set of phoned-in performances indicates that neither man really cares about that fact.
The trouble begins when Marcus (Lawrence) dies at the wedding of his pal, Mike (Smith). Detective Marcus Burnett, who should have retired years ago, has a heart attack in the middle of the dance floor so massive that he finds himself in Limbo meeting with his former -now deceased- boss, Captain Howard (Joe Pantaliano). Marcus receives two messages from this encounter. The first is that “It is not [his] time,” which Marcus interprets as being indestructible and the second is “A storm is coming.”
I’m gonna start with the second first. When a dead guy tells you, “A storm is coming,” I’m expecting some 9/11 or January 6 shit is about to go down. The reality? Well, there are a handful of criminals out there intent on framing the late Captain Howard. This will end up in a shoot-out at an abandoned 3rd-rate tourist attraction. That’s “the storm?” Really? That’s not even a mist. In the larger scheme of things, that’s barely morning dew. If dead guys are giving you vague messages, there better be something bigger involved.
On the former, Marcus wakes up from his lack-of-coronary-bypass-surgery with the energy of a 20-year-old. Oh, I see, this is one of those heart attacks which requires no intervention, surgery, medication, or bedrest … and you wake up with a peaceful feeling of being half your age. Gee, I think I want one of those heart attacks. Such immediately led to some cheap humor, like Marcus flashing folks on the hospital roof. To its credit, the film set up potential quality humor here, like when Marcus, feeling invincible, moonwalks diagonally through speeding traffic across a crowded intersection. Like MacBeth and the Witch-king of Angmar before him, Marcus believes in some prophecy of his own immortality. This could have set up a really funny reunion with Captain Howard, huh?
Detective Burnett (fresh off a gunshot and back in the world of the dead): “Why am I back here? You told me it wasn’t ‘my time’?!”
Captain Howard: “I was just saying that so you’d clear my name … you’re not the only one who can be a ‘Bad Boy’.”
Unfortunately, this 
potential wealth of humor was abandoned almost as quickly as it was introduced. Before long, Marcus is back to whining and hiding behind barriers during firefights.
And there isn’t much new here with the exception of Mike’s son, Armando (Jacob Scipio), a lifer in Florida corrections. The film, which already felt like the tail wagging the dog with the Bad Boys constantly dictating department policy, bent over backwards in the surreal all so that Mike and Armando could spend some QT together. Does it amount to anything? Not really. This franchise is all about dick swaggering; emotional vulnerability is not a thing among these folks. But you’ll get plenty of shooting and a plane crash or two. If that’s your thing, woo.
Bad Boys: Ride or Die struck me again and again as wasted opportunity and wasted celluloid. I mean, I suppose the action scenes were acceptable -although the best combat sequence in the film was handled by neither lead, but instead by Marcus’ son-in-law Reggie (Dennis Greene). Here’s my major problem with this film: when it comes to governance and policing in Florida, there is currently no shortage of related and relevant topics. Throw in the idea of two black detectives in Miami, one who has fathered a current inmate, and it seems like Bad Boys: Ride or Die could have addressed any number of current issues – “defund the police”, “black lives matter”, Florida immigration, book banning, the rights of felons, the rewriting of history, the draconian policies of Ron DeSantis – especially when it comes to minorities-, Florida’s disastrous handling of COVID, heck, the film could have gone straight for “Florida Man” topics and never run out of comic action material. Did it do any of this? No. This film dealt with bad cops, worse cops, frame jobs, and underworld figures. It could have taken place in 1985, 1995, 2005, 2015, or today. There’s no acknowledgment whatsoever of how Florida has evolved into the kind of place where climate change will, left unchecked, turn the state into one big swamp and the leadership that is letting it happen. It was clearly too much to ask that this film show an awareness of anything genuinely relevant to our current experience.
There once were two cops from the shore
Who policed just the same as before
They call themselves “B ad”
But I find them sad
And their neverending shtick quite the snore
Rated R, 115 Minutes
Director: Adil El Arbi, Bilall Fallah
Writer: Chris Bremmer, Will Beall, Geroge Gallo
Genre: Nothing new here. Seriously
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: If Bad Boys is your jam, this won’t change anything
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me, apparently
