How much of a dick was Henry VIII? History has tended to gloss over his dickery with a shield of black comedy. As a result, most of us see Henry VIII as a punchline in one form or another and, hence, discount what a dick he was. I fear history will treat Donald Trump similarly; we’re already seeing it. His idiocy and constant comic fodder has overshadowed Trump’s massive egotistical assholery. It’s one of the reasons the 2024 polls show a close race even though Biden should be miles and miles ahead at this stage. Similarly, Henry VIII had six wives. He cheated on all of them, outlived five, and had two executed; I’m only reporting on his marriages and can safely say the man was a monster.
All of which should have made Firebrand, the biopic of Henry VIII’s last wife, Catherine Parr, a much more stirring film than it was. For a film entitled “Firebrand,” there was neither fire, nor branding, just a mildly clever woman constantly tiptoeing around a monster.
Catherine (Alicia Vikander) ran in Protestant circles which kinda didn’t sit well with her husband, who invented the Church of England. It is worth noting that the Church of England exists almost entirely because Henry VIII wanted a divorce from Catherine of Aragon and Pope Clement was inclement on the idea.
Henry essentially said, “Screw you and the Pope mobile you rode in on; I’m gonna marry somebody else anyway, even if I have to start my own church to do it.” So he did. And he did. That’s villain here; a guy willing to use political machinery with grandiose, overreaching, and unintended consequences to settle personal business in his favor.
Huh, I never would have equated Henry VIII and Trump, but making your entire country switch religions just so you can get a divorce? Yeah, that’s pretty damn Trumpy.
I digress. The focus here is Catherine, who ran in circles that called her husband a heretic, for no king was ever supposed to speak for God; only God speaks for God. This seems intuitive until you
realize you’re dealing with a Trumpy situation. And when he finds out, Henry (Jude Law) ain’t pleased. He starts looking for “THE QUEEN” more than drunk poker player.
(I don’t quite know where to put this, so I’ll put it here: I have no idea how historically accurate this film is, but in Firebrand, the royal guards wear red tunics with a crown symbol on the front. As we care nothing for any royal guard in the film, however, we only see this garment at a distance, and it looks like the men all play for a team called “The Cupcakes.” Go, Cakes, go!)
Henry’s rage and bloodlust might have made for an exciting film by itself. In practice, however, Firebrand was neither thrilling nor intriguing. The details of Henry’s church are thankfully left out of the quarrel, yet there isn’t so much “OFF WITH HER HEAD!” at the end of his anger displayed mostly though passive-aggressive guessing games. This is a two-hour film that could easily have been 90 minutes without losing a single moment of intensity. In addition, the end scene and credits make it pretty clear that the writers/director would rather have been making a film about Elizabeth (except that Cate Blanchett has already made two. It’s also kind of difficult to make a picture promoting female empowerment when the heroine is a religious conservative. Not impossible, mind you, just … difficult.
There once was a queen named Kate
Whose husband seemed all about hate
For he defied the Pope
Dangling faith on a rope
And decided all too many a fate
Rated R, 121 Minutes
Director: Karim Aïnouz
Writer: Henrietta Ashworth, Jessica Ashworth, Elizabeth Fremantle
Genre: Domestic Disturbance
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who like to entertain historical interpretations
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Descendants of Henry VIII
