So lemme see if I understand this correctly: a mako shark crossed three oceans, swam up the Seine, and along the way spontaneously evolved 1) to grow twice the size of an average mako shark 2) to survive in “fresh” water and 3) to reproduce a-sexually … all to hang out in Paris.
That’s not gonna do a thing to diminish French egos.
The plot of Under Paris is fairly simple: it is shark week in Paris and every human is an hors d’oeuvre. On the bright side, this is really gonna spice up that triathlon beginning in the Seine. I’m not kidding about that part. Man-eating sharks on the loose in Parisian waters, but the mayor prefers ignorance to saving lives – hey, she could be the Republican veep!
The idiocy begins when marine biologist Sophia (Bérénice Bejo) tries to find her pet shark in South Pacific. Well, gee, Sophia, where did you put it? “Here Spot! [whistles] C’mere, girl! C’mon! Oh, there it is; hey tag that guy for me, will you?”
And for some reason, this involves spearing a potential man-eating shark. It sure seems like a good idea. Turns out it isn’t and by the time the scene ends, four shark handlers are dead and Sophia has permanent ear damage.
And the shark is still pissed. So pissed it spontaneously evolves and swims from Australia to Paris. I say “spontaneous,” but the transformation and transportation takes three years, which is only
spontaneous in terms of, you know, evolution.
So now there’s a supersized, CGI-enhanced, man-eating shark in Paris. And when it gives birth, there are several more. What fun! Have they come specifically to Notre Dame? Are these Catholic sharks? And, what’s this? There are leftover explosives from a world war or two left in the Seine?! You’d think the French would have found those by now. No?
Did that shark just blow up a pont?
:SMH:
Like all monster shark films, Under Paris is head-slappingly stupid. The only question remains as to whether there’s enough hyperbole and bad acting to make it into a Rifftrax experience. The answer – maybe? I like this trend where the creatures of the oceans are fighting back; Lord knows humans have destroyed ocean life to a dramatic extent and deserve some payback. But creating a reality that can’t exist doesn’t really compensate, now, does it?
There once was a tagged mako shark
Who was discovered again on a lark
This angered the beast
So it started a feast
Which culminated in a Parisian triumphant arc
Rated TV-MA, 104 Minutes
Director: Xavier Gens
Writer: Yannick Dahan, Maud Heywang, Xavier Gens
Genre: Shark week
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: How big are you on dumb shark films?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Scientists
