And this would be a good reason to ignore indie film, no matter how well cast. For the subject matter in today’s selection, I cannot believe how unentertaining this film is. Oh, we were going for “black comedy,” were we? I suppose you can just start up any time then. Please show me something that will make me laugh in a cynical way or as a horrible reflection of how depraved I am inside.
Go ahead.
Any time now. I’m ready. I can take it.
Ugh.
The scene is the G7 in Dankerode, Germany. I wrote that last part down, thinking it might be important. Nothing in this film is important – which is ironic, considering the players are all world leaders. The heads of the G7 (France, Germany, UK, USA, Italy, Canada, Japan) are all picnicking (?) in a gazebo next to the woods without their aides. Their goal is to write a statement regarding an unspecified crisis.
Well, there’s a big problem right there: if you’re going to make characters of national heads of state, you kinda need a specific crisis for them to reflect upon. I mean, why collect all the heads of state otherwise? At one point, I think this movie intended for its players to reflect not people so much as the political attitudes of their respective nations. However, this becomes an immediate non-starter when the President of the US (Charles Dance, who sounds equally as American as I sound Lebanese) proves passive, reflective, and accepting of fate. Yeah, that describes zero percent of American presidents or people.
So, in essence, this is an a-political film in which all the characters are big-time pols. Oh, what a strategy. Say, for your next movie, how about you have two characters from The Lego Movie remake My Dinner with Andre? Come to think of it, that would be far more entertaining than Rumours.
Early on in the film, we lose all the extras, at which point I assumed that the biggest person in the film, Cate Blanchett (as the Chancellor of Germany) would take over and do s
omething plot-worthy. This didn’t happen. Instead, the characters all just sort of wonder what they should be doing without their handlers … and then they go walking in the woods where there are “bog people” and a giant brain. Not sure what to make of either of these things, as neither seems to interact with any of our cast.
At one point, the European Secretary General (Alicia Vikander) shows up, and I was temporarily and mistakenly elated. I love Ms. Vikander’s work, but she proves just as useless as every other cast-member. Is this the joke? That all world leaders are helpless stooges? Except the film isn’t calling them that, exactly. It presents them as normal people put in a weird situation.
What was the highlight of the G7 wandering in the forest? Oh, that’s easy — it was when they encounter the bog people circle jerk. Yup, you read that right: a zombie group wank. This was, by far, the most entertaining moment in a film that included Cate Blanchett, Charles Dance, and Alicia Vikander. I’m not sure I can critique a film any more harshly than I just did.
A group of world leaders go together
Deciding which ties to untether
Then, stranded alone
Apocalypse unknown
Their antics compelling as talk of the weather
Rated R, 103 Minutes
Director: Evan Johnson, Galen Johnson, Guy Maddin (3 directors, 1 writer. Yeah, that’s a problem)
Writer: Evan Johnson
Genre: Whatever it was, it doesn’t work
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who have forgotten what good film looks like
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Will you please show me anything worth seeing?! Please?”
