Buff Santa. That’s the J.K. Simmons twist: Santa is super fit and super ready for his big day. And his Number One Elf is ready to move on. What does a several-hundred-year elf move on to, anyway? If I know this elf, it’s pro wrestling, then a film career.
Here’s the latest attempt at Christmas timelessness, and this one stars The Rock as Santa’s best bud/bodyguard. Why does buff, athletic, heavy-lifting Santa need a bodyguard? Because the minute The Rock’s back is turned, Santa goes and gets himself kidnapped. And now Christmas is in JEOPARDY! [Just as it has been every year since Miracle on 34th Street.]
Callum Drift (Dwayne Johnson) is gonna need some help on this one; lucky the eyes and
ears of the North Pole is Zoe Harlow (Lucy Liu) and she can immediately pinpoint the cause of the security breach, Jack O’Malley (Wyatt Hunt young, Chris Evans, old). Evans is clearly playing down the Captain America image he built up. When we first visit him, he sets fire to a gazebo, steals an ID tag, hacks sensitive material, and seals the deal by literally taking candy from a baby. Jack is not only an absentee father, but a level four naughty lister. Unfortunately, he’s also the key to Santa’s retrieval, so he better get on board with the believin’ stuff. And fast. Christmas is in 18 hours.
In addition to The Rock, Red One invites a few new gimmicks for Christmas Canon approval: One is that Santa and Krampus are estranged
brothers who have chosen different paths of immortality. Another is evil monster snowmen, capable of ruining your Christmas at glavepoint. But after the turbo charged magical sleigh and the elephant-sized reindeer, the best innovation is Callum’s personal Ant-man armband, capable of all sorts of shrinking/unshrinking possibilities. In case I’m never asked, I would like my own personal shrink/enlarge wristband for Christmas.
There was less fighting than I thought there would be, which is good; outside of family gatherings, Christmas is rarely about fisticuffs.
So … can The Rock and Captain America find Santa Claus and save Christmas? I daresay they can; this is a Christmas movie. The better question is: Will you watch this film again next year? Red One was fun, and I was into it while it was going on, but I’m betting the answer to that question is “no.” There are dozens of Christmas films worth watching … enough to send this one to the enormous slag heap of Christmas film also-rans. Don’t get me wrong; you won’t get rid of Red One so easy; but it will live in the extras package of your preferred movie venue. You might watch it again in 10 or 15 years, having forgotten why it never became a classic, but it is very unlikely to be a film you see every year with the fam.
There once was an elf called Saint Nick
Who appeared in many a flick
Here, he’s in danger
At the mercy of a stranger
Buff Santa won’t be saved by Netflix
Rated PG-13, 123 Minutes
Director: Jake Kasdan
Writer: Chris Morgan, Hiram Garcia
Genre: Attempting a Holiday Classic. Failing
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: How do you feel about monstrous snowmen?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: If you don’t believe in Santa Claus, this ain’t helpin’
