I think the key to Christmas film is predictability. We always know exactly what’s going to happen: the girl will get the boy, the boy will get the girl, the grump will become a saint, Christmas will be saved, or some variation on one those themes. These films are not going to end with Kris Kringle in a drug-filled three-way deciding the kids can lump it for a year or two. We like that we know the ending before the film begins; you don’t watch a Christmas film not knowing that going in.
Today’s film, Nutcrackers, is no exception. A reluctant Uncle Mike (Ben Stiller) is called upon to look after his estranged nephews when they suddenly become orphans. Mike ain’t hip to the idea … but we all know how this is gonna end, huh? It wouldn’t be a Christmas film with Uncle Mike selling the foursome to white slavery.
Let me state up front that I’m happy Ben Stiller took on this role. No matter what you think of the actor in question, it is genuinely nice to have real actors in these films. The films are better when we care about the plot, no matter how inane that plot is.
Another thing I appreciated about this film was how the kids out-Herdmanned the Herdmans from The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. The latter film wanted to describe their unrepentant and incorrigible delinquents, but came up with “delinquent lite” – a third less calories as your usual delinquents. Nutcrackers showed me kids who genuinely did not like anything (why would they?) and did not give a crap what Uncle Mike thought of them. They even undermined their own chances of being adopted with selfish behavior – that strikes me as much more akin to “delinquent kid” than the Pageant kids.
We know the kids will turn around, of course, and Uncle Mike will forgive them when they steal his car and take it for a joyride. I’m getting ahead of myself. Mike doesn’t want to have anything to do with the kids. That’s obvious from the start, when he tries, desperately, to both 1) get away from responsibility or 2) pawn them off on anyone who will take them. He’s going to have to learn how to love again. Awwwwww. His Scrooginess is a little hard to take, but if you’ve seen as many Christmas films as I have, you know it has to be that way.
While the film progressed reasonably enough, for me, Nutcrackers did not fail for the obvious reason it should have failed. The plot asked the pre
viously home-schooled delinquent little jerks to put on a ballet in order to woo prospective parents. This is an odd gambit, and one that could only work in a Christmas film. But that wasn’t the moment that turned me away. Mom was a dancer; you want to honor her? Ok, I can almost see it. I mean, they’re boys -orphan boys at that- opting to do ballet, by themselves, for no other reason than their Uncle Mike wants this to happen. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.
But that doesn’t drive the thumbs down. Nutcrackers failed for an extremely poor “cat on the roof” moment. Ten minutes left in the film and Uncle Mike still hasn’t figured out how it ends despite beign in a Christmas film. C’mon, man. That kinda ruined it for me. Because I couldn’t help thinking that even when Mike finally adopts the kids, he’s always gonna go back to the moment where he could have left them. And he will.
Not good enough.
There was once a long-lost Uncle Mike
Who acquired four imps all alike
He tried to deny
Then had to rely
Christmas made everything better … ha! Psyche!
Not Rated, 104 Minutes
Director: David Gordon Green
Writer: Leland Douglas
Genre: Redneck Christmas
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Can you care enough to get behind these orphans?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: *Another* Christmas film?!
