Never in my life have I wanted to spoil a film as badly as I want to spoil this one. Towards the end of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is perhaps the most unforgivable dream sequence in movie history. You have to understand that people like me who have not bought into the romanticism of the genre have, literally, been waiting five years for something to happen. Love triangle, marriage, baby, so what? Twilight finally has something to say through the vehicle of a silly overblown conflict and it’s resolved in a dream sequence?! Grrrrr. Do me sideways with a branding iron.
Breaking Dawn of the Dead begins with Bella (Kristen Stewart) now in vamp form. We waste no time in getting stupid here – Bella remembers she has a baby, but hubby Edward (Robert Pattinson) warns that she “should feed first.” If I’m understanding this correctly, Bella was willing to 
sacrifice herself for the sake of her demon child (zero to birth in one month!) and would have died in labor were it not for the heroic efforts to make her a vampire, but undead noobs are so craven that they actually pose a threat to their own babies? Does that about sum it up?
And, of course, then the franchise likes to play both sides – Bella senses human blood. She also tracks a deer. But her first kill as a vamp? The cougar stalking the deer. The “tackling the cougar” scene is among my favorite comedic moments of the season. So Bella is a good vamp, only attacking predators, awwww. And then she gets pissed off that Jacob the werewolf (Taylor Lautner) has imprinted on the demon baby, Renesmee. “Renesmee” — is that a vamp family name, perhaps? Anyway, Bella is pissed at Jacob. Pissed enough to want to tear his head off. Why? I honestly don’t know. I have never, ever seen a franchise that was so good at creating conflict out of thin air. And we know this conflict is fabricated because Jacob never leaves Renesmee yet by the very next scene, we’re all good friends again. Awwww.
There’s an antiseptic effect that comes with the immature acting in this film. I want to blame the writing and direction, to be sure, but I get the distinct impression these actors don’t actually have a good idea of what they ought to be doing. Cases in point – Bella wants to meet her newborn, but hunts first. Are you kidding me? Go! Hug your daughter. You, too, Pale Eddie. Get off your undead ass and go be a father. Speaking of which, Bella’s dad (Billy Burke) seems reluctant to touch his own daughter. Now picture this – you hear your daughter is dying. You don’t know where or how. You finally discover she’s fine and here’s the directions to where she is and he enters the room and treats her like she’s a hostile talk show host. Try prying me away from my daughter under those circumstances. And Bella’s reaction is just as bad. What the Hell, “people?”
Nobody told Michael Sheen he was in a drama. As you know, the tenor of the Twilight oeuvre has been equally as light-hearted as the McCarthy hearings.
And yet, Aro (Sheen), head of the Voluptari or whatever the head group of vamps call themselves … wait a minute — there’s a vampire high council? Why? Forget it. They’re rolling. Anyway, Sheen’s over-the-top here makes his Tron role seem understated by comparison. This whole film is about getting Sheen’s band of uniquely-talented undead stooges to match up against E-Z Ed & Co.’s band of uniquely-talented undead stooges. The matchup feels a lot like a game of Dungeons & Dragons. Sheen treads the fine line between Dungeon Master and Ring Master.
As I’ve said before, these films aren’t made for me, so … would I enjoy them if Twilight were my bag? Edward still looks dreadfully pale to me, but OK, say I’m in love with him. What do I like here? There’s a sex scene very shy on the details. The raciest part is the implication that as vampires don’t age, change, or tire; they could continue to have sex for years on end. That’s a cool thought. We get none of it, of course. Bella and Edward are constantly near their child, but pay mostly lip service to parenting issues, as if the child can raise herself. That wasn’t so cool a thought. We get hunky wolf Jacob to striptease, for Bella’s dad, in a scene politely described as really awkward. Magic Mike was more subtle in presenting an audience payoff. And that’s it for the Team Edward/Jacob crowds. Want dovey eyes and love triangles? You’ll get next-to-nothing and like it.
And all of this leads to the big battle in which we discover the only way to kill a vamp is tearing off the head and burning the remains. Hence, wolves and vampires go about treating one another as giant-size Pez dispensers constantly tearing off heads with the flamboyance and comic enthusiasm of a child playing with Legos. You can’t make this stuff up. Oh, wait, you can. And believe me, anyone can. Twilight might be the only application in the world in which the fan lit beats the original. I can say this sight unseen, because, well, anything beats the original. Good riddance.
The wolf and vampire are now friends
One of life’s more disturbing trends
The writing was weak
The romance was bleak
Thank God that this series ends
Rated PG-13, 115 Minutes
D: Bill Condon
W: Melissa Rosenberg
Genre: Series finale
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Stephenie Meyer
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Get in line
Brilliant!