Movie kidnapper ain’t much of a profession, eh? High stress, little payoff, violent, uncomfortable clothing and average life expectancy is about two acts. Sure it works out sometimes if the movie is a romance or comedy, but rarely, and even then, still the high stress. I’d almost rather be a movie terrorist; at least then I can die in a really spectacular fashion. Y’know, maybe I can be blown up by Bruce Willis with a rocket launcher or Sly Stallone with a gun-powder tipped arrow.
Trespass is a film that insists upon rubbing you the wrong way, like a two-year-old petting a cat. The film opens with Nic & Nic playing Ma and Pa Upscale. He’s a workaholic diamond merchant; she’s a bored housewife. Their lone child Avery (Liana Liberato) is a movie teen – she loves defiance, but loves her family more. Aww. They have an expensive custom-built home. You can probably save a bundle when you only have just one college tuition to plan. The home is a fortress, with many cameras and alarm wires. Are the Nics rich? Sure looks it. OK, clichés in place? Check. Now let’s piss some people off. The teen escapes; she knows exactly how to leave the grounds without setting off anything, of course. The robbers intrude in the name of security without ever revealing the fact that they’re wearing masks, of course. They continue to wear masks constantly throughout the first half of the film, of course. You’re not fooling anybody. Those masks are coming off eventually. It’s sooner or later. Why not sooner so we can see how they look when they demand stuff?
Note to self: after becoming high powered diamond merchant, install own security.
There are exactly four distinct moments in this Trespass, constantly rotating over and over again like volleyball service or an eight-track tape: resignation, negotiation, escape attempt, violence, resignation, negotiation, escape attempt, violence. Once I saw ‘em mix it up, the violence came before the escape attempt. I’m sure screenwriter Karl Gajdusek sees himself as some sort of David Mamet protégé smoothly crafting 90 minutes of material with just one setting and a handful of characters. Sorry, pal, it’s not that easy. A collection of mild revelations and quasi-clever motivations doesn’t get us through the woods by itself. Eventually there has to be a defining moment of some kind; something beyond shooting the kidnapper.
Nicolas Cage. Nicole Kidman. Joel Schumacher. Were this 1995, you’d swear it was summer blockbuster. What happened to all you guys? I guess we know a few of these answers – Joel Schumacher got the Batman franchise and ruined it. Nicolas Cage increasingly compensated for talent insecurity by yelling all of his dialogue so as to seem imbalanced. Then he ran out of money and now he’ll do anything. Nicole Kidman, however, what is her story? She’s still attractive and talented – what compromising photo made her Jennifer Aniston’s rival in yet another Adam Sandler cinemoronia or star in this direct –to-video movie-of-the-week? Australia doesn’t answer the whole question. Maybe this is what happens to modern actresses – they don’t get worse or especially old; they just take shittier and shittier roles until nobody takes them seriously any more. Pretty soon, Amy Adams or Anne Hathaway is taking a part that rightfully belongs to Nicole Kidman. Careful, Kate Winslet, you’re next.
Rated R, 91 Minutes
D: Joel Schumacher
W: Karl Gajdusek
Genre: FYNC!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: the remaining man in America who gets excited over the prospect of a film containing Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Professional kidnappers
