Left Behind

Go ahead and leave me behind, thanks. No, really. I’m serious. If the rapture as described by this biblical interpretation comes true, then I’m fine staying here. If the saved consist entirely of the self-righteous, minion-level intelligence, literally holier-than-thou pieces of communion wafer, then I’m good right here with the bad. Thanks.

So check it out: Christians were right; the rapture has happened and side effects are front-and-center on grotesque display for those Left Behind. Midway through this film, the righteous disappear from wherever they are (planes, homes, malls, NRA conventions, Fox News, Tea Party meetings, Westboro Baptist congregations, Klan rallies or wherever the Christian Right thinks the righteous are these days), leaving only clothing — a deliberate and needlessly confusing detail.

You kind of have to have a soft spot for any film that comes pre-parodied; “The Simpsons” carved this particular mythology a new one literally decades ago. Perhaps the producers were waiting until we forgot about that.  I didn’t.

I was actually kind of impressed that the capitalist in first class didn’t get saved – I mean, sure, the perfectly reasonable non-terrorist Muslim guy not getting saved, that goes without saying, but the capitalist billionaire guy? Aren’t they first in line along with those who shout the loudest about needing to kill terrorists and liberals? You guys need to work on your narrative. Anyway, most of the “action” takes place on a plane flown by Rayford Steele (a strangely subdued Nicolas Cage). Midway over the Atlantic, 20% of the passengers, including the co-pilot, suddenly disappear, leaving chaos in the sky. For the most part, the plot then becomes a very poor man’s version of Die Hard 2 (without all the shooting, of course) – how do we get the plane safely on the ground?

Meanwhile, Ray’s estranged wife (a Lea Thompson sighting!) and son are saved, leaving his college daughter (Cassi Thomson) screwed with the rest of us. We follow her around a bunch while she looks for her brother. Why are you going to a hospital? He was in your arms when he left. The whole “all the children were saved” angle disturbs me a great deal. First off, it seems pretty arbitrary.  I’m not saying small children deserve to be judged with the rest of us, but what’s the cutoff, huh?  Puberty?  Communion?  Penance?  16?  18?  How fair is that? “Innocence” is a very abstract concept.  Isn’t there not a small amount of predestination here? Don’t give me “Life isn’t fair.” This is THE RAPTURE; if you believe in a benevolent God, then there are rules for salvation and the rules aren’t arbitrary.

Actually what gets me most about Left Behind is how preachy it isn’t. Sure, Nic Cage is having a douche-y affair (or intends to, at least), but most of the unsaved masses seem like good people. Some remain just for lack of belief, or so I interpret. Do all? Does the evil you do on this planet not matter so long as you believe? That’s just wrong. But I have no theological guide here — there was precious little theology in this film. Ok, folks, here’s your golden opportunity to tell us what’s wrong with our lives. Go ahead. Any time now… I’m also befuddled by the choice to focus only on those remaining. Why? What does it matter if the plane lands safely? What remains is Hell on Earth, right? We’re screwed, but we’re already screwed; have you seen Earth lately?  Show us what Heaven looks like. Show us what we’re missing.  Show us how we’ve missed out by being wicked or non-believers.

I especially enjoyed the scene where the pastor was Left Behind. Apparently, he just didn’t believe enough, either. No, leading a congregation of sheep to salvation did not merit personal salvation because he himself had doubt. Wow. Left Behind writers, creators, producers, are you really this insecure? Silly question. Of course you are. Else you wouldn’t have made this. Whom is it for? Do you really see even a single non-believing soul out there saying, “OMG! I have to believe! Let me click my heels together and vote Republican at once!” Because I don’t. You made this film for the already saved. For those who know the rules and know the rest are screwed. For those who spend not a single moment questioning anything. You made this film so smug believers could feel smugger or more smugly. Is “smugly” a word? Not sure how that works, either.

I’ve seen so much of Nicolas Cage overacting in my lifetime, I kinda feel sorry for him clearly phoning one in here. I also feel cheated. And what a film to underplay, Nic — the biblical end of all, something regarded as the epic and defining moment of civilization for over a billion people worldwide and that’s the role you’re gonna put on, dare I say, autopilot. Well done.

The believer is triumphantly glad
Salvation ain’t just a fad
Should I be jealous?
We lost all the zealots…
Maybe Hell isn’t that bad

Rated PG-13, 110 Minutes
D: Vic Armstrong
W: Paul Lalonde, John Patus
Genre: Bible-as-science
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The kind of Christian so devout he/she doesn’t need to watch films. Kind of a catch-22, huh?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Non-believers