Geez, what a bitch. Is it not enough for you to be arbitrarily evil? To kill just because somebody saw you? (Who are you, Marlon Brando?) Naw, you gotta get into their backstory first, taunt them, then kill them? Lady, you have issues. Let’s start with the wardrobe. No, no; we’ll get to the random homicides later; let’s start simpler — does it have to be black? That’s pretty off-putting. Have you, perhaps, considered a pastel? Not everybody is a winter.
In case you missed it, somewhere in the dankest, creepiest part of England lies a house in bad need of repair. The house is the lone structure on a tiny and constantly fogged-in peninsula separated from mainland by an isthmus/road. And if you think I didn’t like using the word “isthmus” just to use it, you’d be wrong. At high tide, the peninsula becomes an island, nothing passing in or out. And in this haunted house is an evil specter, The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death. Honestly, I don’t know what the subtitle is for – the “Angel of Death” metaphor seems misplaced. “Angel of Death” suggests higher purpose whereas dark woman here is a solo act.
Now, the rule is that whenever anybody sees her, a child has to die. Luckily she’s presented with a literal truckload of children to start the film. The year is 1941, and the object is to scour the Underground from the infestation of London schoolkids and get them out into the country, where they can be killed all proper-like. Oh, and there’s a lot of that “English for the sake of being English” stuff going on – the scenes Monty Python used to mock, like when Edward (Oaklee Pendergast) loses his parents in a night bombing and the next day, Mistress Hogg (Helen McCrory) gives him that, “Pip! Pip! Now let’s not dawdle or think about it” crap. Yeah, quit livin’ in the past, junior, get on that train.
Our heroine, Eve Parkins (Phoebe Fox) is #2 in command at the makeshift foster home. She hits it off, oh yeah (bow-chicka-bow-bow), with RAF pilot Harry (Jeremy Irvine). Boss Hogg squashes that, too. She’s even a dick to him. WTF? These aren’t just normal soldiers; these are the men fighting for England’s survival as a nation and you’re not allowing 
him five minutes of awkward pleasantries? Geez, who needs the Woman in Black.
Long story short, the kids are bussed to the home where Harry Potter bought it two years ago and children start dying in ugly, painful ways. That’s right: You were better off facing the Luftwaffe in London on a nightly basis. Tough luck, skipper. Cheerio. The atmosphere and scares are a tad more bland than the original; for that, Black 2 compensates with a few unhappy dream sequences. There’s a possibility you’ll ask why the people are so slow to realize that they’re in a haunted house, but, let’s face it, if movies have taught me anything it’s that all period English homes are haunted houses, even the ones containing Bennets. The ending is a bit more satisfying this time around. Is it enough to justify The Woman in Black 3: 10 Downing Street? Probably not.
♪I’ve never seen you looking so horrid as you did tonight,
I’ve never seen you douse the light,
I’ve never seen so many kids scream for the hill
They’re looking for a slim chance at life, avoiding the kill
And I have never seen that dress you’re wearing
Or the death knell in a face that caught your eyes
Wish I were blind
The woman in black is toying with me, shock to shock
There’s nobody here, uh oh, you and me,
Nowhere I want to be
But I hardly know how much time I have left
I’ll never forget the way I’m now bereft♫
Rated PG-13, 98 Minutes
D: Tom Harper
W: Jon Croker, Susan Hill
Genre: Foster care fun!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The Woman in Black
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: English orphans
♪ Parody inspired by “Lady in Red” — yes, again. Sue me; it’s a great song to parody.
